Hi....I'm back!

The long weekend away was just the therapy I needed. I went completely out of my element and went camping at a country music festival for a friends birthday. On top of that, I decided to be unplugged for the weekend besides an "I'm alive" message to my parents. I enjoyed the sunshine, music, sitting around drinking beers, and actually feeling like I could hear myself think. I also took probably as many naps as the baby, which made me realize how tired I was. 

I'm pretty sure the universe was speaking to me this weekend. I brought along a few magazines and all the articles centered around thinking about what makes you happy, pursuing the seemly impossible, doing what you love, making yourself a priority, and having a positive attitude. Plus I had a real life example right in front of my face. You can really tell how much Jenny and Cole really love camping in their camper. It was fascinating to see them in their element and the pure joy on their faces. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time and was very THANKFUL for a spot in the camper. I wouldn't have made it if I had to sleep in a tent. But it is 100% not my thing. I'd much prefer an outdoor outing that ended with me at home with a hot shower and in my bed. 

So then I started thinking....well what is my thing? (This would be an interesting question to poll). 

My things! 

1. Running. I still want to run a marathon some day and I think I'd like to try team in training and raise money for cancer since my dad had it twice and my nana passed from it

2. Training my dog. This is actually going really well. She's too smart and I think it'd be cool if I could train her to run obstacle courses or agility stuff (confession: I just watched a dog competition on TV)

3. Reading. Just downloaded The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo

4. Traveling. Mostly planned around weddings this year, but I am going to the beach for my birthday!!

Things I am trying to add my things:

1. Yoga

2. Cooking

3. Hiking/Kayaking/outdoorsy day trips the dog can do

4. Lifting. I freaking love muscles and feeling like a bad ass when lifting heavy shit

I realized over the last two months, I've let these things slide by the wayside. No wonder I've been irritable and miserable. I've also gained 20 lbs. I stepped on the scale yesterday, but my tight pants told me the same story. Which no wonder since I've stopped running, lifting, and cooking. And I know with being intensely busy and the changes to schedule, I was trying to get by with bare minimum and skipping steps I normally take. Guess what? When you stop doing the things that got you there, end result is weight gain. And when you finally wake up from denial and really see the chubby face staring back at you in the mirror, you start over and back down the path you know you should be on. 

I started yesterday with good eating and today added in the exercise. My entire team is participating as a team in the Global Corporate Challenge. I'm not sure how many companies participate, but it's more than Novartis. It started today and I'm determined to be the best team at our site. (We'd never win globally. I heard there's this crazy European team that does a week long bike ride trip). The idea is which team team can log the most steps in 100 days. We were given pedometers and then there's a website where you input your steps daily. I also was made team captain (mostly for my organization skills), but other teams were talking trash yesterday, so my competitive side is out. Plus, I can't let my team down! The "goal" is 10,000 steps a day, which I guess is the recommended amount to be healthy. 

So I'm getting back to all the habits I know I need. We're starting over again. And I still don't have the answer on how to keep it going through stressful times. I'm going to start doing some more reading on time management and things of that nature. A book suggested to me was 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It's next on the list. But one thing I did learn, is that the next time it gets crazy stressful, I should take a day off, give myself a long weekend and unplug from the world. It's amazing how much that extra day refreshes you and gives you a different outlook on life. My positivity is back and it's time to get to work!

Oh my aching back!

Exactly how I feel! My abs, back, legs, shoulders, and even my feet are sore! But sore means I'm working and as you break muscles down, they build back up stronger.

Monday I did a 20 min run and abs class, Tuesday was a full body circuit, and today  was spin class. My legs were ready to fall off during spin. It made me realize that my deceptively simple circuit workout really kicked my ass and I loved the book it came from even more! 

What book? This book! 

It breaks down the body and shows you 50+ exercises per muscle group, plus there's 20+ different workouts. 

Two best things? The variations on exercises and tips on perfect form. The variations allow me to hit my muscles effectively whether I'm at the gym or home. And perfect form ensures most bang for your buck. I learned that to get in a perfect side plank position, you actually push your hips forward. (Who knew?!?!)

So Tuesday's workout from the book was 12 reps, 3 sets, and pick one move per body part from the book. I did this in circuit to minimize rest. Having one move, really helped my focus on form and mentally I was like one move and you're done...you can do one move. I definately was sweating and tired afterward, but I wondered how good of a workout is that? Umm damn good because today I'm feeling it and we all know second day sore is worse!

It made me realize that I never really allow myself to be a beginner. I always want to skip straight to expert.....then I get too sore and give up. This workout is perfect because you can change the exercises. If I'm not feeling push-ups today, there's plenty of substitues available to pick from. 

And so the week continues!

Slump

I have been in a serious slump. I'm exhausted and I have no motivation. It feels like I can't even get a moment to breathe. I'm also in a state of denial as to why I am wearing skirts/dresses/anything stretchy. And it feels like the hole is getting bigger. I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wake up 500lbs. My parents are worried and keep pointing out that I need to manage my stress. So much so, I'm getting annoyed. I know I have a problem and I want to be left alone to figure it out!

So I did what I do best....research! Best ways to motivate yourself (again):

1. Think about why you started
2. Find inspiration
3. Talk to someone supportive
4. Think positive thoughts
5. Commit Publicly
6. Think about your goal daily
7. Visualize hitting your goal 

I started because of health and that I did not enjoy the way I looked. I remember the day my doctor threatened me with high cholesterol meds if I didn't get the weight off. I remember crying in the parking lot because it felt like something you'd see on the biggest loser show and I couldn't believe I was THAT large.

I talked to my friend Vic today. He recently posted progress pics and so I asked him how he stayed motivated. He takes weekly progress pictures and looks at them to remind himself that he doesn't want to go back to that picture. He also said ask yourself what you can do today so you are better tomorrow. Then he's like you have the ability to achieve the results I have. You can do this.

And I started telling him about work messing up getting to classes, the horrible commute, the guilt over my dog being left in the cage, the lack of sleep....

He simply says those are all excuses.

My first reaction?

I was pissed. He doesn't know how it is! He doesn't have a dog. How dare he say that? 

Then he starts asking questions. What time do you get home? 7pm. Well gym's open till 11pm. I don't want to go that late. Then go in the morning. I don't have time, I need to take Molly out. Wake up earlier. Uhhh no. Well you can take Molly running. Running hurts right now. Then get that ass to the gym.

Do you know how dumb you feel to hear your excuses out loud and to hear someone so easily find a solution to everything you can come up with?

He says well that's the price of success. You have to change to get where you want to be because what you're doing right now isn't working. And I know you can do this. I believe in you. Go take some pictures, send them to me, and lets get started.

Well I took those pictures in a sports bra and workout pants. Words can't describe what a picture of yourself can do to you. (Anger....shame...sadness....frustration....) Its like glass shattering or having icy cold water thrown on you. I just......can't look like this anymore. Try it for yourself...I can't even decipher all I feel looking at that picture, but I know I want to change.

He also sent me a video on motivation. Its an hour long so Ill listen to that on the drive tomorrow. Time to start again and find a better way. 

#8 -> take a picture of yourself and study it

Sitting here feeling....

I actually feel accomplished!

Work was long. I stayed late and missed cycle class, which made me mad. Then I decided that I wanted ice cream for dinner. So I had a frozen yogurt cone on the drive home. Once home, I put on my dog training hat.

We had a great session! She actually walks beside me. I figured the key is to change directions on her whenever her attention strays. The hard work is paying off on that front.

Once we got home, I did my dishes (clean kitchen = happy Shawna) and then I decided to run up and down my stairs, which led to squats, lunges, pushups, burpees, planks, supermans, jumping Jack's, high knees, and crunches. It ended up being 20 mins and I got pretty sweaty.

Was it what I normally would like to do? No. I'd so rather be in a weight room or some form of cardio for 30-45mins. But guess what? It was something. It was sweat. And I'm sure I can always use the extra reps.

Today is a win. Dog trained and exercised. I got exercise. I ate within my calories and the day was healthy food besides ice cream. And tomorrow is another day.

Realistic Expectations

Today was a much better day than yesterday. I went to bed angry last night because I didn't get to finish everything I wanted to do. Today I realized it's never going to happen. There's just not enough time in the day.

 I also underestimated the amount of time and patience needed to train a dog. We had our first obedience class Sunday and our big thing to work on is relaxation. My dog is in a constant state of anxiety because I am constantly anxious. My dog doesn't relax because I don't relax. And the trainer scared me when he said as she gets older, this can lead to giving her a heart attack. It's one thing to give myself a heart attack (which will happen if I don't get this weight off), but quite another to give your poor dog one. The crazy thing, when he started pointing out behaviors and I could honestly see what he was talking about. It made me feel like a bad mom and I was determined to take our homework for relaxation seriously!

Ironically, I've been examining my own behavior these last two days. I wake up and my mind starts going a 100 thoughts per second. I'm analyzing time, today's agenda, and rushing about to get things done before I leave. My mind goes all day until I go to sleep. And some nights, even sleep is hard because I start thinking about the future and all kinds of crazy things.

So I am trying to learn to turn it off when I come in the door because I have to be calm for her. We had a moment yesterday after the dog park where I made her sit/stay and just watched her. She had crazy eyes, tail going nuts and breathing like a damn horse. I'm like omg calm down! 

I'm slowly getting better. I had a moment today where I started the "I didn't get this done" thoughts and then I thought about my happy list. I went to lifting class after work. I ate healthy all day because my prep was done and it was delicious. We went to the dog park and practiced our obedience stuff. That is enough. It has to be enough, it's the whole list!

Of course you know me, I'm still not satisfied. I could've cleaned a little, did some yoga, some meditation, read car reviews, started looking for MBA schools, plane tickets for a wedding, and dammit there's still laundry....the list goes on. 

I'm working on the list being enough and being satisfied with that as a days work. Because guess what? It's 9:57pm and this girl needs sleep! I learned the hard way how important sleep is :/ 

Starting Over

I finally feel like myself again. I got great sleep last night and got back into my usual Saturday morning activity.....dog park! The weather was fantastic and I really enjoyed playing fetch with Molly. She is quite the swimmer! I thought I was going to have to haul her furry behind out the water to go home. 

I was quite tired after this outing and I thought about last summer how I would workout, do chores, take her to the dog park, then come home, get dressed, and go do something with friends. It's a hard pill to swallow, thinking about where I used to be and that I am not there anymore. It makes me mad and disappointed in myself. 

 And I never realized how rough I was on myself lately! When I run, I think about the paces I used to run or how effortless 3 miles used to be. When I lift, I think about how I used to lift heavier weights. And clothes? I'm wearing pants that a few months ago I was considering getting rid of because they were too baggy. 

But one of the things that I've been learning through meditation is to just be in the present moment. The past is already done and only god knows the future. I am essentially starting over, but with more knowledge than last time. Today I thought about what really makes me happy and fulfilled.

My list:

Seeing my dog run around healthy and happy

Spending quality time with my fam/friends

Cooking delicious healthy meals 

Improving my fitness

When these things don't happen, I notice that I'm stressed out and upset. It's funny, but work doesn't make the list. Sure, I'm competitive and want to do a good job, but honestly, I just want to fund my lifestyle and living paycheck to paycheck is not fun.

 (Been there done that)

So I'm going to start reminding myself of two questions when things get crazy. The first, "what can I do right now to get me closer to my goals?" And then I'm going to do that, whether it be a walk, packing my lunch, or some foam rolling. The second, "Does this activity contribute to the things that really make me happy?" And if it doesn't, I'm going to stop doing it. 

I'm also going to work on posting daily. Writing makes me think about what I'm really doing and re-connect with where I'm trying to go. Here we go again :) 

Holy Crap!

It was so good to get away and see good friends this weekend. I needed it. It didn't hit me till that I was on my first flight, how stressed out and negative the last three weeks have been. I was a mess. I hasn't been sleeping, stopped working out, and my eating was erratic. Sometimes I'd eat, sometimes I was too tired, sometimes I ate junk, and sometimes I ate way too much. I had let my job consume me and steal my joy. I left work angry, frustrated, stressed and I didn't let go of that when I walked out the door. I'm sure if you're reading this, I've told you stories already.

Sitting on that flight, I realized that I couldn't live like this. I can't let someone or situation have power over me like that. I can't be angry, tired, miserable, and stressed all the time....I'm killing myself. 

I know how I got here. I forgot my priorities and let the healthy habits slip. And it honestly all starts with sleep. I bought a body bugg (yup the one used on biggest loser) and the most shocking thing I've learned in the last two weeks is how erratic my sleep is! One night will be 4.5 hours, most are in the 6 hr range, and then I completely crash by Sunday. What's more, the body bugg calculates your sleep efficiency.....I averaged 60%.

So I sleep like crap, wake up tired, my brain lasts till about 3pm, I've had headaches, my workouts suck because I never fully recover from the last one, and I have so much tension in my body that it aches. Then when the weekend comes, I want to sleep and lay on the couch, which means I don't actually enjoy the weekend doing something fun or I go have fun and don't do chores and set myself back because I didn't prepare for the week ahead. Cue another week of scrambling. 

What I have learned: 

1. I need 7-8 hours of sleep daily (mind and body recovery time)

2. Sundays are sacred prep days (nothing else gets planned on Sunday)

3. I need to leave work at work (think positive thoughts)

4. I NEED TO EXERCISE daily (stress relief)

5. I need daily accountability to my goals (doing what I said I'd do)