Pursuit of Happiness

So I read an article that really got me thinking today. 

So much so, I think this post is going to get long so grab some coffee :P

The article was titled "Relax Your Way Fat Loss". 

(click here for full article: "Relax Your Way to Fat Loss"). 

 It talked about how we women strive so hard for our body goals that it takes the fun out of life. We push and deprive ourselves all for the sake of reaching these goals, thinking these goals = happiness. This then creates a cycle of self-hatred when we fail, which makes the journey even more miserable and you even more unlikely to succeed.

Self-hatred? I don't hate myself you may be thinking. But read this quote:

"How many times will you utter phrases like:

I can’t eat that.

I’m so fat/disgusting/weak.

I have no will power.

I’ll never look like her.

I wish this was easier.

You’ll go to bed hungry. You’ll eat food that bores you. 

You’ll work out harder and longer as self-punishment."

 I'm guilty. And you know what? It only makes you feel WORSE. Instead of overcoming obstacles, this kind of talk makes me just want to sit down and not even try. And I have given up many times. "I can't eat that" has ruined many a good day for me. Its made me so frustrated that I get angry and feel so deprived that I can't think about any food because of all the stuff I can't eat anymore. And you know what happens when you tell me I can't anything? I go straight for it, ruin my day, and then I'm wallowing in "I have no will power". 

Next great quote:

"The question is, once you reach that arbitrary goal, will you truly be content? Will you unconditionally love the skin you’re in? Chances are you won’t. You’ll have spent the last 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years—struggling. You’ll hustle, strive, and completely exhaust yourself." 

I remember when I first starting noticing and hating my size. It was senior year of high school. I finally outgrew being a tom boy and wanted to be seen as a girl. I wanted to go on dates and have boyfriends too! I was tired of being fat so I started eating less and less. I did get pretty extreme, it got to the point where I would throw up at lunch and at night. I'm pretty sure my friends knew, but if the subject ever got brought up I got evil, said hurtful things, and redirected the attention to something else. I was so exhausted from working out and not eating that I would sleep a lot. My mom had no idea. She actually did confront me about all the sleeping thinking that I was pregnant. Nope mom, I had only kissed a boy at this point. 

My high school graduation party. I ate....and threw up later

What saved me, though she'll say I'm being dramatic, is this blonde girl who lived down the hall in my freshman dorm. She confronted me about it and said I had to stop and come eat with her. And that's how Jenny walked into my life. She showed me how to workout and make better eating choices. Though with all the drinking, I think we had 18 year old metabolisms doing most of the work. But we'd start with a mile, workout and/or play basketball, and end with a mile. Every day. I was able to run a 8 min mile at that point. So freshman 15? Not for this girl....I actually lost 30 lbs.

Lightest weight ever.... 209 lbs

But that's just where the story began. I went home that summer and gained most of it back. 

Why? 

People started treating me differently and it was like I was standing in a spotlight. I actually got attention from guys too, which actually was more terrifying than I ever thought. (be careful what you wish for). And the change, I couldn't handle. At the time, I correlated the change in other's behavior to my weight loss (instead of the increased confidence and happiness I exuded) and it made me feel like ME wasn't good enough. I'm the same person I always was, just 30 lbs lighter. It was everywhere. How people would treat me at parties, in stores, at restaurants, at home.... it made me angry and it also made me feel exposed. I never realized that I used the weight to keep people at a distance. I went back to my comfort zone. I wanted to hide because I felt really insecure and not good enough. I became determined to show "the world" that I would live a great life and accomplish all my goals even with the extra weight. I can do anything a "skinny" person can do. My weight won't hold me back! 

Fast forward, I've spent the last say 7 years on the weight loss roller coaster.

Up and down. 

Up and down. 

"When you hate yourself lean, you’ll create an impossible situation for yourself. It will never be enough. You will never be enough. It will last until your will power crumbles. You’ll jump from one diet to the next…in search of elusive happiness. Hating your body into transformation simply is not sustainable." 

So why is now different? Over the years, I have become more confident and settled into who I am, but I am still learning to love my body. I do more than I did 7 years ago and even a few months ago. I have moments where I catch myself in the mirror or I catch a picture and actually think WOW. I'm proud to say those moments happen more often these days. 

But I've also changed my point on view. I'm no longer obsessed with a size or a number, rather I find that I take more pride in chasing goals based on what my body can do. I find that I no longer want to be skinny or look like some actress, but that I want to be the best version of me. I don't care that I am bigger than other girls because even when I reach my goal, I'm 5'8 with broad shoulders and EVERYONE is short in Texas. Sure, I have some physiques that I admire, but I'm not trying to be her. I want to be me. 

I get more perspective the deeper I go into these thoughts. It took me till this post to finally realize why I let go of all that hard work freshman year.  The reasons why people are overweight are never cut and dry. Nobody wants to be overweight, we're all struggling with some pretty nasty demons.

And you know what really makes me happy? The memories of this journey that I've shared with the people I love. The training runs I did with Jenny and Ashley. Our Texas crew turning out to support us at our races. Running around a lake while visiting Eric and Rebecca. Running Turkey Trots with my Dad. Taking my first yoga class with Tai. Teaching my crazy dog to run with me. 

I want to live my life full of moments like this, not ones where I'm holed up in a gym slaving away or too afraid to go out because I'll wreck my "diet".  Because honestly, I'm getting healthier so that I can be around for these people and my future husband/children/family. I'm pushing myself because I have goals that require more strength, more speed, more endurance. I want to see how far I can go. 

And I can't do all that hating on myself.