Happy NYE!!!!

I learned a lot this year and I have been working on setting myself up for next year. I'm trying to make things more visual so two things I came up with:

#1: Workout Calendar -> star for every day I workout. Goal is 5-6 stars/week. The post it note is a reminder of my monthly goal. 

#2: Workout Diary -> To keep track of workouts I do at bootcamp and weights when I lift. Yes, I had time on my hands over vacation and I found the idea on pinterest, don't judge!

The only promise I am making to myself is to not let one bad day turn into 2 bad days or a bad week. I am halfway through day 2 and I already feel more energetic. Yes, I am sore from last nights weights and this mornings run, but I feel accomplished! A good way to close out 2013. Farewell! 

HaPpy NeW YeArS FriENdS!

I Lied.. We start on Monday :)

This was me this morning:

I ended up just going for a walk with Molly, which was better than nothing. It gave me some time to think about what was bugging me today. It's my last day of relaxation. Tomorrow, it's back to all of life's responsibilities and stresses. I wish I could prolong it all for another week! I'm not ready for all this...it feels like a heavy weight is settling back on my shoulders. But I think about all the things I want to accomplish this next year.

Accomplishments take action. Change takes movement. I keep thinking about how hard change will be and its kinda scary. I keep thinking about everything I have to give up and all the times I have failed before. But at the same point, why would I want to change unless it was for the better? Who wouldn't want to be healthier, have more energy, and increased confidence, to name a few?

So I'm going to start small and focus on everything that I'm going to GAIN. First thing being that eating healthier foods will give me more energy for the day. 

I'm going to need that energy to hit these goals:

1. Exercising 5-6 times a week 

2. Tracking food daily in Fitness Pal 

3. Weekly Friday Weigh-Ins 

Overall, my goal is still 170lbs.

 But to have a reasonable monthly goal, I've decided on 6lbs a month. 

So I think that covers it. I set small specific goals (check!) and now the next part, 

the HARDEST part, is to execute.

Wish me luck.... 

First Day Back

I had the worst work of my life today. Everything. Hurt. 

Every mile was tough.

But I finished.

I guess that's what I get for taking so much time off and eating every holiday goodie I came across. I feel exactly like this picture: 

Next year, I will work on surviving the holiday better. For now, we start at the beginning. Working out, eating at home, tracking in fitnesspal, and being consistent. 

Merry Christmas Eve!

I have been gone for a minute. It's that time of year and the insanity is turned up 100%. I'm scrambling to finish work stuff so I can go on vacation, making things for holiday parties, and trying to see people before they head out of town for Christmas.

IT. IS. EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!!!

Plus all the food. Extremely good food, especially things I don't make or eat on a regular basis. I will 100% admit that I have thrown everything out the window and indulged in whatever my little heart desired. I'm slowly starting to reign myself in, but I'm not officially being hardcore till Jan 1. The only thing I am trying to do this vacation is get in some type of exercise daily whether it's a workout or a long walk. 

I can't say I know anyone who survives this time of year well. It seems like we all just take a break, try to at least exercise, accept the fact that we'll gain 5-10lbs from all the food, and be ready to start Jan 1. But when I think on it, if you're consistent the rest of the year, is a week or two going to kill you? That's a puzzle for another day. 

I have been spending a lot of time in reflection. I started this blog in July and have been trying to summarize what I have learned over these 5 months. I have made some progress, I have learned a lot about nutrition and types of workouts to support my goals, but the biggest has been recognizing the mental limitations I put on myself.

I think about all the times I let setbacks frustrate me so much that one "bad" day turn into weeks, instead of just one bad day. I think about how the drive to be perfect caused me to beat myself up over  a missed workout, a bad meal, or not hitting my macros when overall, it was a good day. And all this beating up of myself didn't allow me to appreciate how far I had come, when all I could see is how far I had to go. And all that negativity is depressing. You can't succeed when you're picking yourself apart instead of lifting yourself up. One of the things that has helped me is trying to be a better friend to myself. I think about how my friends are with me. They encourage me, cheer me on, celebrate my successes, and sometimes give me that tough love I need. But they are NEVER mean or degrading, so I won't do that to myself anymore! 

This is what I have been working on over my vacation. Armed with all the knowledge I now have, how do I set myself up to succeed? This has been interesting because I want and feel like I need to do everything. I wanna run, lift, take bootcamp classes PLUS I need to stretch and do yoga. How the hell am I going to fit this all in?!?!! I'm working on it and I know I can't do everything. I realized I can stretch, foam roll, and do yoga while watching TV instead of being on facebook or pinterest. Running I can do with Molly. I did find a simple beginner lift program that is 4x a week; you hit upper and lower body twice a week. 

I did upper body 1 plus abs on Sunday, which I finished in 45 mins and that's including all the playing around to find the right weight. So I think I can get that down to 30 mins flat. I'll do upper body 2 plus abs this week, but I figure it'll take the same amount of time.  With all the bootcamp (lots of squats, lunges, plus kettlebell class!)  and running I want to do, I'm going to start with one leg session, mixing moves of both into one. Depending on how one full week goes, I might have to drop a run or maybe bootcamp is enough leg strength exercises. This first month will be full of some tweaking. 

Goals-wise, I am narrowing the focus to one month at a time and plan to celebrate each month. Those months add up! Still working on what these targets are, but we'll be back to weekly Friday weigh-ins.

So for Christmas, I did indeed treat myself! I got my hair DID (dyed and cut), bought an upgraded interval timer (great for interval runs and circuit workouts www.gymboss.com ), and putting together this plan for 2014.

Merry Christmas all, I plan to indulge and ENJOY my loved ones!

Ooooo Friday!!

I am brain dead today. I kept waking up last night for some reason. When I finally crawled out of bed, my whole body hurt. I'm moving slow today, even though I have a ton to accomplish.

These are dangerous days. The kind where I forget to care about being healthy because somehow those decisions feel extra tough today. And I'm tired...I want to relax and have everything be easy today.

I almost slipped at lunch. I decided I wanted a sandwich, so I stopped at Which Wich. I wanted bread dammit!!! Well when I started filling out my order, I saw that they had lettuce-wiches and I changed my mind about bread. I got chips instead because they had cheddar sour cream ruffles. Mmm mmm mmm.....

So I get back from lunch and forgot about the "cookie exchange" at work. Basically everyone bought or made cookies. I had two small homemade chocolate chip cookies and a bite of rice krispie, but I'm still thinking about the sugar cookie I passed up..... I could eat it, but that would leave me with a pretty depressing dinner.

And its not like I deprived myself, I had some cookies! Move on girl..... go have some tea or water....Which are also located in the break room. I'm gonna have to speed walk in and out without making eye contact! See no cookie....eat no cookie!

Why am I still thinking about cookies any way? I swear my brain would be obese if it wasn't for my skull keeping it in check!

Its the weekend...I'm ready to party... in moderation. At least I'm going to try :)

Another Sunday

All prepped for another week. I noticed that my stress tends to increase as we get closer to Friday and my will power decreases.

Last week was insane with the ice storm, seeing old coworkers, and the arrival of Jenny's baby. After the 3 hour drive home Friday, I was toast. I ate whatever I wanted. Being iced in, it was leftover spaghetti, granola cereal, cheese, popcorn, and I made cookies from scratch because I was bored. In short, I ate a ton of carbs and I can see it in the belly area.

So this week, I'm focusing on making wed/thur/fri on point days. Christmas party is Saturday so saving some indulgence for then.

Pursuit of Happiness

So I read an article that really got me thinking today. 

So much so, I think this post is going to get long so grab some coffee :P

The article was titled "Relax Your Way Fat Loss". 

(click here for full article: "Relax Your Way to Fat Loss"). 

 It talked about how we women strive so hard for our body goals that it takes the fun out of life. We push and deprive ourselves all for the sake of reaching these goals, thinking these goals = happiness. This then creates a cycle of self-hatred when we fail, which makes the journey even more miserable and you even more unlikely to succeed.

Self-hatred? I don't hate myself you may be thinking. But read this quote:

"How many times will you utter phrases like:

I can’t eat that.

I’m so fat/disgusting/weak.

I have no will power.

I’ll never look like her.

I wish this was easier.

You’ll go to bed hungry. You’ll eat food that bores you. 

You’ll work out harder and longer as self-punishment."

 I'm guilty. And you know what? It only makes you feel WORSE. Instead of overcoming obstacles, this kind of talk makes me just want to sit down and not even try. And I have given up many times. "I can't eat that" has ruined many a good day for me. Its made me so frustrated that I get angry and feel so deprived that I can't think about any food because of all the stuff I can't eat anymore. And you know what happens when you tell me I can't anything? I go straight for it, ruin my day, and then I'm wallowing in "I have no will power". 

Next great quote:

"The question is, once you reach that arbitrary goal, will you truly be content? Will you unconditionally love the skin you’re in? Chances are you won’t. You’ll have spent the last 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years—struggling. You’ll hustle, strive, and completely exhaust yourself." 

I remember when I first starting noticing and hating my size. It was senior year of high school. I finally outgrew being a tom boy and wanted to be seen as a girl. I wanted to go on dates and have boyfriends too! I was tired of being fat so I started eating less and less. I did get pretty extreme, it got to the point where I would throw up at lunch and at night. I'm pretty sure my friends knew, but if the subject ever got brought up I got evil, said hurtful things, and redirected the attention to something else. I was so exhausted from working out and not eating that I would sleep a lot. My mom had no idea. She actually did confront me about all the sleeping thinking that I was pregnant. Nope mom, I had only kissed a boy at this point. 

My high school graduation party. I ate....and threw up later

What saved me, though she'll say I'm being dramatic, is this blonde girl who lived down the hall in my freshman dorm. She confronted me about it and said I had to stop and come eat with her. And that's how Jenny walked into my life. She showed me how to workout and make better eating choices. Though with all the drinking, I think we had 18 year old metabolisms doing most of the work. But we'd start with a mile, workout and/or play basketball, and end with a mile. Every day. I was able to run a 8 min mile at that point. So freshman 15? Not for this girl....I actually lost 30 lbs.

Lightest weight ever.... 209 lbs

But that's just where the story began. I went home that summer and gained most of it back. 

Why? 

People started treating me differently and it was like I was standing in a spotlight. I actually got attention from guys too, which actually was more terrifying than I ever thought. (be careful what you wish for). And the change, I couldn't handle. At the time, I correlated the change in other's behavior to my weight loss (instead of the increased confidence and happiness I exuded) and it made me feel like ME wasn't good enough. I'm the same person I always was, just 30 lbs lighter. It was everywhere. How people would treat me at parties, in stores, at restaurants, at home.... it made me angry and it also made me feel exposed. I never realized that I used the weight to keep people at a distance. I went back to my comfort zone. I wanted to hide because I felt really insecure and not good enough. I became determined to show "the world" that I would live a great life and accomplish all my goals even with the extra weight. I can do anything a "skinny" person can do. My weight won't hold me back! 

Fast forward, I've spent the last say 7 years on the weight loss roller coaster.

Up and down. 

Up and down. 

"When you hate yourself lean, you’ll create an impossible situation for yourself. It will never be enough. You will never be enough. It will last until your will power crumbles. You’ll jump from one diet to the next…in search of elusive happiness. Hating your body into transformation simply is not sustainable." 

So why is now different? Over the years, I have become more confident and settled into who I am, but I am still learning to love my body. I do more than I did 7 years ago and even a few months ago. I have moments where I catch myself in the mirror or I catch a picture and actually think WOW. I'm proud to say those moments happen more often these days. 

But I've also changed my point on view. I'm no longer obsessed with a size or a number, rather I find that I take more pride in chasing goals based on what my body can do. I find that I no longer want to be skinny or look like some actress, but that I want to be the best version of me. I don't care that I am bigger than other girls because even when I reach my goal, I'm 5'8 with broad shoulders and EVERYONE is short in Texas. Sure, I have some physiques that I admire, but I'm not trying to be her. I want to be me. 

I get more perspective the deeper I go into these thoughts. It took me till this post to finally realize why I let go of all that hard work freshman year.  The reasons why people are overweight are never cut and dry. Nobody wants to be overweight, we're all struggling with some pretty nasty demons.

And you know what really makes me happy? The memories of this journey that I've shared with the people I love. The training runs I did with Jenny and Ashley. Our Texas crew turning out to support us at our races. Running around a lake while visiting Eric and Rebecca. Running Turkey Trots with my Dad. Taking my first yoga class with Tai. Teaching my crazy dog to run with me. 

I want to live my life full of moments like this, not ones where I'm holed up in a gym slaving away or too afraid to go out because I'll wreck my "diet".  Because honestly, I'm getting healthier so that I can be around for these people and my future husband/children/family. I'm pushing myself because I have goals that require more strength, more speed, more endurance. I want to see how far I can go. 

And I can't do all that hating on myself.

Day 3

Today  I got up at 6am and took Molly for a run. We averaged a 12 min mile pace and I was pleased with that. It's nice to see 12 instead 13 or 14...I am improving and making my way down to 10! I plan to start running my last mile on Mondays as fast as I can to see if I can get a 10 min mile. My fastest to day is 10:24, so pretty confident I can accomplish that before the year is up. And then the 2014 goal will be to average that pace. 

I had light breakfast. Just greek yogurt and coffee. I got too busy for my protein shake and I was meeting Jenny for lunch so I skipped it. Lunch was great, I had half a ham panini, spring salad, and buttercake for dessert. Then we went and walked 3 miles. I wish every lunch could be like this. I went back to the office feeling refreshed and ready to get back to work. 

First thing, I took Molly for a nice long walk with the sun was still out. Dinner was egg whites with garlic and white cheddar cheese since I was carb-heavy for lunch. It's not a punishment, just re-adjusting my intake to support my goals for the day. I did some running around tonight, so yoga didn't happen, but planning a killer interval run for tomorrow. It's dropping down to 30 degrees so I had to get thicker running gloves. I HATE when my hands are cold!

Overall, I finally feel like ME again. I have energy to get through my day without wanting a nap or feeling like crap. I don't cringe when I look in the mirror because I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to. My muscles are sore and I know that's because I've worked them hard. My back, my glutes, my hammys, and my abs BURN.

I freaking love it! 

Day 2

Today was a good day. Still had a rough time getting up this morning, but my energy was good throughout the day. No 15 min catnap at lunch needed today. I had yogurt, coffee, and a protein shake for breakfast. The morning went by fast! Then lunch was ground turkey, veggies, and rice. The afternoon was crazy as well, but by 3pm, I was starving. I forgot my snack, so I was downing water like a fool till I could go home. I think I almost chewed my own fingers eating my cheese slices after work. 

Today's workout was kettlebell class. It was killer. We learned a new move, the turkish getup. That sucker is so hard and we were practicing without a kettlebell. Coordination is not my strong point....yet! I'm feeling pretty good right now, but I have a feeling that I am going to cry tomorrow! 

Thanksgiving Aftermath...

Today was Day 1 of burning off Thanksgiving.

 Kitchen is stocked for the week, workouts planned, and Monday morning was a bitch like usual. 

 My clothes felt tight. My skin is full of blemishes. My energy is in the toilet.

 To sum it up, I feel like a bloated round little troll. 

Every time I look in the mirror, I cringe. 

But today wasn't about how I felt. Today was about getting back on track. Today was about getting back to feeling good inside and out. 

I felt better as the day went on. I had coffee then greek yogurt, protein shake, and sunflower seeds. I made it my mission to drank as much water as possible. I peed like a champ. Lunch was ground turkey, veggies, and rice with taco seasoning, lime juice and cilantro. Satisfied, but not stuffed like a turkey. More water and with every pee, I hoped the bloat was going down. Snack was carrots and slices of pepper jack cheese. More water. 

I had some granola about 30 mins before going to class. There was a moment where I wanted to skip out and just sit on the couch, but no, today was about getting back on track. I'm glad I went. Once I got there, I just had to follow directions. It felt good to be back. 

The funny thing? Your mind picks up right where you left off and forgets that your body just took a week off. So yeah I was focused on completing reps, burning calories, and ignoring how I felt. Well I hit that point.... I was doing rows and  then I had to throw up.....

and then I finished my workout :)

For dinner I had Italian sausage with cheddar cheese, broccoli and cauliflower. Finishing up the last of my water. Today was a good day. Today was an "I'm back!" day. 

I'm going to go enjoy the last hour before bedtime.

And tomorrow is a new day.