Sunday Recap - Goodbye August

So I had more than a bad day. Monday, I just fell apart. After all the celebrations, I was wiped out mentally and physically. All I wanted was to lay on the couch, watch tv, and eat pizza. So I did after a 5 mile walk with Molly. I woke up Tuesday feeling exhausted, moody, and emotional. I had doughnuts for breakfast and a pint of ice cream for dessert. Wednesday...well I've been eating chocolate covered strawberries from the edible arrangement I received from Tai. I'm a mess. 

I've been thinking about August as a whole. From a weight loss perspective, I went backward rather than forward. I did so well in July that I figured August would be the same. A+ B =C right??  But sometimes weightloss spits out A+B = F. And it frustrated the hell out of me. In my head, I kept thinking that I should be here instead of there, which put more pressure on myself to lose weight. Then when I saw the result, it made me feel worse, more pressure to do better, and here we go again. 

So what did I learn? I put way too much pressure on myself based on where I "think" I should be at this point. I've gained this weight over YEARS, why do I think it's reasonable to change my habits and make no mistakes? It's not. This is what stumbling looks like. 

I also learned that I have an "all or nothing personality" and moderation is a struggle for me. I'm either all about something or I could care less. I was obsessed about running, ran myself into a injury and am now just getting that racing twitch back. I can go hardcore with sticking to my plan, get myself so crazy about the things I can't have, that I lose it and go eat whatever I want for a week.

So for September, the focus is nutrition and learning moderation. It is so hard for me to have a cheat and then jump back to plan, that I'd rather not cheat at all. That is so not realistic and I think this is the key to my struggle in losing weight. 

I thought about how I got to the point where I regularly go to the gym. I stumbled a lot at first. I was intimidated by other gym goers and thought that people were staring at me wondering why I was at the gym. Some days, I made it to the gym, but sat in the parking lot because I was too scared to go in. To combat that, I bought some simple weights and workout dvds. If I didn't have the courage for the gym, I worked out at home. It was hard, frustrating, humbling, but I kept at it. To be honest, I hated working out at first. I hate being reminded of my body's limitations and I hate how there were mirrors EVERYWHERE in the gym. I can't pinpoint when it became enjoyable or my source of stress relief, but a  few early moments that stick out to me: when my trainer told me I was one of his strongest girls, when a random woman from the gym complimented me on my progress, and the first time I ran 3 miles straight outside. I took these things and built upon them. They made me feel good and I noticed the other benefits. Stress relief, better sleep, better digestion, looser clothes etc. 

I plan to do the same with nutrition. Start at the bottom and really educate myself about food. It's just like understanding what muscle groups a certain exercise works and how to execute with correct form. I can tell you with all the food philosophies out there, clean eating is the one that resonates closely with me. You need all types of food and the best food is the most natural. I have several cookbooks out there that I will be digging in for the next month. I also want to learn about the different nutrients in certain foods and also what they help with. What can I eat the combat certain cravings or moods? Am I eating a balance a diet and is it helping or hindering my performance in the gym? 

I've also been thinking about cheat meals. Why do I feel like I need them? If I made healthy delicious food, would I still feel that way? Or would the cravings be less? Let's just say, we have a lot of exploring to do this month. Just like my fear of the gym in the beginning, what other alternative do I have in food?  I've decided that after this weekend, if I have a cheat meal, I have to make it. So if I want pizza, chinese, chicken wings....off to the store for ingredients.

So I've stumbled...time to let that go. When I think about the past, this is the point where I would say the hell with it and go back to partying. I'm not. I'm moving into month #3 of writing about this journey and if anything, I can say I've learned a lot about myself in August. But it's one thing to identify a problem and a whole different one to find the solution. 

Happy nutrition month and feel free to leave me your best tips. I'll be sharing as I go along :)