Something's Gotta Give

This week was horrendous. I was definitely off my rocker and ran myself into the ground. It started Tuesday. I was at work late so I missed class and decided that I would hit the gym around 830pm. I did and that was one of the best lift sessions because I was so pissed off. I whooped my own ass and was quite proud of it, but didn't realize the rest of the week was downhill. I woke up Wednesday tired, worked late again, was super sore, and decided that I would take it easy and walk. I woke up Thursday tired (didn't sleep well), had several cups of coffee, and for some reason, my lunch wasn't appetizing so I bought lunch instead. Still being tired, I had afternoon coffee as well instead of water. Worked late again Thursday, with the crazy storms/tornadoes, by time I got home, it was straight to daycare to get Molly. Then at that time, I just didn't want to hit the gym....so I didn't. Friday I woke up feeling like shit, I survived the day on coffee, and by 1230pm, I don't think I could put two coherent thoughts together. I was DONE. So Friday traffic was extra horrible with march madness AND a nascar race this week, so it took 2 hours to get home. I got home, took Molly out, and then it was couch with a glass of wine. 

I thought about the week and just realized that I deviated from my healthy habits and my life went to shit. I didn't get my stress relief from workouts so I didn't get sleep, which means I didn't recover from my workouts or wake up refreshed which led to coffee and not so great food choices which led to digestive trouble which led to more irritability which led to no motivation to want to workout which led to weight gain I'm sure and I'm farther from my goals. 

I can't do this anymore! I'm overwhelmed and I have too much going on between work/commute, Molly, workouts and dating. Dating, my friends, is exhausting. It's gotten to the point where it stresses me out rather than being exciting. Instead of being hopeful, I'm waiting to find out what baggage the guy has and when things are going to go to hell (I'm noticing it's around week 6). I'm tired of stale conversations, weird behavior I can't understand, and feeling insecure. Yes, dating makes me feel insecure about my body. I notice that when I meet guys, I'm worried about what they will think. So I realized that dating needs to take a back seat to working toward the body I want. As of the end of April, my dating site subscriptions will be closed. It's crazy, but I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I gained part of my life back. I will try again, once I move and get settled in Fort Worth, but from now till August, my boyfriend is going to be the gym :) 

Earlier I ran errands and tomorrow I will be back in the gym, clean, cook, and do laundry. You could call today a rethinking life day. Every time I fall back into bad habits, I run myself into the ground. I keep learning the hard way that I can't go back to the bad habits, unless I'm willing to go back to being fatter. Sometimes, it does feel a little unfair. I have to fight for every pound, but can gain 5lbs in one cheat day. I swear my body enjoys being fat, even though it actually works harder with the extra weight. 

But then I think about how far I've come since my time in Cincinnati. I used to eat and drink like a fish. I remember going to Cheesecake Factory and downing a drink or two, splitting an appetizer, an entree, AND you damn right I had cheesecake. I never realized how much food that was! That's 2, maybe 3 meals! And I'd do it every weekend. So I have come a long way, but when you're trying to lose 50+lbs, the journey is far from over. I never realized how different it is from people trying to lose 10 lbs. I guess it's like comparing a 5k to a marathon lol. 

So what now? Well I've got to get these healthy habits to a point where they are as easy as breathing. I'm dusting myself off and if it doesn't aid my weight loss, it can't be in my life right now and I'm ok with that. I used to struggle with having a life and losing weight. I don't anymore because I have people I can see without destroying my efforts. Back to the grind, I got challenges to win!